


Never

by eraangel



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), Thor (Comics), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Character Death, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Other, Out of Character, Swearing, pov deadpool, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4756457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eraangel/pseuds/eraangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Deadpool is capable of anything...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Никогда](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4660014) by [eraangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eraangel/pseuds/eraangel). 



> This is delusional crap. I know. I’ve been feeling like shit and I’ve written crap. End of story. Thank you. Bye.
> 
> English is not my native language, so yeah... Sorry about that.

***

Hey, Spidey…

Spidey, what’s wrong?

Have you hit your head?

Have you lost consciousness?

Have you lost a little bit of brains?

Don’t worry, it's okay. Trust the expert.

Spidey…

Spidey! Come on!

What the fuck!

Why are you silent?

You shouldn’t be silent! You can’t. You are like me! Spidey, for fuck’s sake! Say at least something. I don’t know, moan it. Or wheeze. Or blink it with Morse code. No, not that one. I won’t see is anyway. Move your fingers. Or at least one. Any…

SPIDEY!

It's not funny. I don’t like your joke. And you know how much I love jokes and all that jokey shit. But this joke is not funny at all. It is not even a joke. Spidey... Please...

Don’t tell me you are dead. I won’t believe it anyway, even if you shove the official pathologist conclusion into my face. I'm serious, Spidey. And that I don’t like either. Because I'm never serious. Never. You make me serious. Spidey, I'm uncomfortable in this strange condition, so stop now.

Spidey, you cannot die. It's a fucking comic book! Or what is it? Some stupid crap... How can you even die? You are adored worldwide by millions of children from three to ninety-three! No author in his right mind would have ever written - this! Spidey! Wake up... hey, wake up...

Why are you still not risen, like a fucking Lazarus? Spidey, your readers are waiting. And I'm waiting with them.

You want me to cry, don’t you? Well I am already… My eyes hurt. They can’t catch up on you. Spidey.

Spidey.

Hey, listen what I’ve found out the other day. Turns out our big bro Logan goes in for guinea pigs in hats. Ha! Spidey! Isn’t this just hillarious!

Spidey! You know you’re extremely pissing me off right now by this immobility and silence of yours.

You're forcing me to take extreme measures. I'll give you an EAV, Spidey. Do you hear? The “mouth-to-mouth” one. I can’t promise I’m keeping my tongue from naughty action, but I'll try. I’ve warned you. Spidey. Here it goes. I’m doing it now.

Spidey, I think I broke your rib. Or even two. Or five. There was a nasty crunch.

Spidey, your heart is still not beating. I’ve checked it twenty-eight times.

Look, Spidey, it seems you are too slow today. And logy. Shell we call Rogue and accelerate the process a little bit? Combining our bodies in a passionate genetic dance!

Damn, we don’t have Rogue’s number. As ever, when something is needed the most, that shit is never at hand. Your voice, for example. Spidey, do you even know what a voice you’ve got? I love your voice. Even more than my own. It gives me pterodactyls in my stomach. The huge ones, with teeth and claws. Charming beasts.

Hello, Professor? It’s Deadpool. Spidey, Professor has a great voice too. But this one only gives me some puny blackflies. It's nice, but pterodactyls are wa-a-ay ahead. Ah, no, it's Spidey. It seems he decided to croak. I don’t quite understand how he even came up with such an idea. I generally doubt that anyone of us is in any way responsible for the ideas that appear in our heads. Yeah-yeah. Spidey is lying here and not moving. I need Rogue. Well, you know, for this sexy three-way where I slightly die, Spidey comes back to live a little and Rogue gets a bit of unforgettable orgasm in the process. No! Oh for Christ's sake! Despite being a Professor sometimes you are surprisingly dumb. I need her number. Immediately. I need her number yesterday. Before all this shit has started happening to Spidey. Yeah, thank you, I'll memorize. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Yes. No, Spidey’s only pretending, I'm sure of it. He’s just decided to annoy me at the sun-down, that bastard. But I’ll forgive him, as ever. Once we get to Rogue. Thank you, Professor. And you are а cutie as always. But don’t set your sights too high, my trembling heart trembles for another sort of mutant. I guess it is a fetish. I’ve always liked spiders better than wheelchairs.

Well that was rude. Big brain, my ass. The one of us with a great brain is me! This one here is so great that even the greatest of the great fuck up their brains when trying to cope with mine. Lamers.

So, Spidey, how about a three-way? Shall be arranged in no time.

¡Buenаs noches! What do you mean ‘who is this’? Baby, it's me, yours truly! The one and only Pool of Love and Pleasure with a drop of blood and a pinch of death. Yes, don’t interrupt. Well I’m at it! I've got Spidey here. And he’s not breathing. And not talking either. Generally speaking, he’s behaving oddly. Where are you now? Fuck, Rogue, don’t get on my nerves! I need you to save Spidey. What? No, next fucking month! When he is covered with moss and will be feeding worms with his sweet ass! Of course now! At once! Where are you?

Spidey, get ready for squeezing and stretching! Ha! You get it, right? Squeezing and stretching! This is just too funny! No, we'll keep this one for the ‘afterwards’. For now it’s just a teleport.

***

“Wade, quickly lay him over here, on the sofa!”

Deadpool did as he was told and began to pace tensely at the feet of Spider-Man.

 “Will you fix him?”

“I will try to do all I can. Take off your glove.”

Deadpool obediently pulled off a glove and quickly held out his hand to Rogue.

She sat on the armrest at the head of Spider-Man, took their palms into her hands and concentrated to direct Deadpool’s power through her body.

***

Fifteen minutes later Deadpool woke up on the floor near the sofa. There was no sight of Rogue anywhere nearby, and Spider-Man was still lying in the same position Deadpool put him after they teleported.

“Spidey?” he called softly, his fingers touching the back of Spider-Man’s hand, carefully placed on his chest. “Spidey, are you asleep? Do you need some time to wake up? Spidey...”

Deadpool gently pushed Spider-Man in the shoulder, and when there was no reaction, Deadpool's hand fell down heavily.

“He died, Wade,” a broken and hoarse voice came from behind. “It was too late. Brain cells could not recover. Wade, I'm so sorry. Do you hear me?” Rogue asked quietly.

She came over and placed a hand on Deadpool’s shoulder.

He did not flinch nor move. He was just staring in front of him seeing nothing. Then he pulled a gun out of the holster on his hip and looked at it with some sort of amazement mixed equally with dread and hope.

 “Look, Rogue, babe,” he muttered, twiddling the gun in his weak-willed fingers. “It’s a round trip. I just go there after him and then instantly come back. I have to pick him up. He will definitely try stealing my girlfriend to entertain himself. No doubt he will get bored. And scared. He won’t like it down there”. 

He did not even leave her a chance to cry out a ‘no’. Rogue just rushed to stop him, but as if with a speed of light Deadpool put a gun to his head and fired. Blood, pieces of brain and bits of his temporal bone fell on the backrest of the sofa and motionless legs of Spider-Man. 

***

 “Hello, sugar,” he heard from everywhere. This comforting and so familiar sound was like a wind howling in the crevices of rocks, or the clank and crackle of trees, dead and frozen to the core.

Dead.

Yes. That’s a key-word.

 “¡Hola, mi amor eterna! Sorry, babe, I dropped in just for a second. I wish I wouldn’t have to leave so soon, but I'm here to pick up someone.”

Deadpool felt cold bony arms wrap around his shoulders and shivered pleasantly.

“But, Deadpool, dear, you know I can’t give him to you,” Lady Death murmured.

“What do you mean ‘I can’t’?” Deadpool asked with bewilderment and overly theatrically. “I am here. You are here. He is here. You fetch him and I’m leaving in an instant. And he is leaving with me. What's so complicated about that?”

“Oh, my precious! _Everything_ is complicated about that. Peter Parker is dead”.

“Woah! No names! Spidey cherishes his secret identity. I don’t wish to hear any gossip about such important and intimate things”.

Deadpool straightened up with arms akimbo stomping his foot with irritation on whatever he was standing. In the realm of Lady Death it was fraught to give names to things, places and events. Or at least it was just meaningless.

“Wade, you'll forget all about it as soon as you go away. If you’ll wish it. As always,” Lady Death sang melancholically and flew around Deadpool to point at something behind him. “He died. You can’t take him.”

“You’ve all conspired, haven’t you?” Deadpool asked incredulously and narrowed one eye. “Why are you all harp on the same string? ‘Dead! Dead!’ blah-blah! He cannot die. Not now. Not ever. Do you understand that?”

“Oh, my poor thing, I do understand. I can perfectly understand it. But you just can’t realize, can you? By the way, your time is running out. Bells are ringing”.

“No fucking way!” Deadpool pshawed stubbornly and walked over to Lady Death.

Now he could finally see what she had been showing him - a huge funnel, an abyss without an end.

“Look”, she said and pointed her bony finger in the direction of the gyre deepening into the darkness.

“Well, so what? I see. There is his soul. Dive there, take it swiftly and give it back to me”.

“Sweetheart, I can’t do that. Forgive me”.

“No. I will not,” Deadpool said abruptly. “And you can. You can do anything. My love, you are _Death_ , so what the hell! Sorry for that one… Pretty please? What do you want in return? You know, if I hit hard enough, I can even outdo Thanos.”

“What Thanos is engaged in is humbug, Wade. He’s just trying to catch the wind in a net. My world doesn’t get richer or poorer on how many souls he sends in here. And you are well aware of that. So stop acting like a dumbass and just get the message: Peter Parker is dead”.

“Well, I asked then, didn’t I?!” Deadpool threw his hands up indignantly. “Listen, baby, I'm not in the mood to quarrel right now. Not with you, not with anyone else. I just want... Peter to be alive. He must be alive. I…”

“Why are you so attached to him, Wade?” Lady Death playfully shoved him with her elbow and smiled. “Should I start to be jealous? I don’t recall you being so stubborn in reconciliation before.”

Deadpool scratched his head and blinked bemusedly.

“I don’t know,” he muttered. “Maybe. I don’t know!”

On the last words he went to screaming, and the sound echoed off the boundless arch of the Death’s realm falling into the depths of the abyss.

“You're in love with him.”

Lady Death looked at Deadpool in surprise with peculiar – deadly – admiration.

Deadpool didn’t answer. He was stubbornly staring into the abyss watching as Peter Parker’s soul disappeared among the infinity of other souls. Alien. Cold. Dead.

“I'll stay,” he said sharply, clenching his teeth.

“You know you cannot stay”.

“I will try. And you know that I’ve always wanted it. But Peter returns. This is my condition.”

“Ah, my immortal star! I can’t do anything! Why won’t you understand that? I can’t keep you here and I can’t bring him back”.

 “Then tell me who can? Where do I go? Who should I pay a visit? These countless wankers with zero luck with chicks have already written all sorts of bullshit, came up with so many Universes that surely at least somewhere, at least in one of them there must be someone who can bring him back. Rewrite the time...Yes! I can go back in time and never let this happened at all! I need to call Summers! Oh, fuck, I forgot. I'm dead right now. No, listen! You can tweet your girlfriend Hela or whatever your ways of communicating with each other, I don’t care. I know she can do that shit too!”

Lady Death was listening to Deadpool’s babbling respectfully, without interrupting. She loved him but was never able to do what Deadpool asked for. Ever. She felt completely broken. Sorrow was falling from her fingers in shattering drops, melancholy and sadness was streaming down from her eyes.

She looked at Deadpool one more time then whirled and disappeared into a black vortex. After a moment she reappeared again. Next to her stood Hela, beautiful and terrifying.

“I won’t let you change the time and create a paradox, Deadpool,” she said in an icy tone. “You can only continue from this point. This point is the only thing you’ve got.”

Deadpool gritted his teeth, feeling the pain inside him growing, turning into a single monotonous hum. Unbearable. Without alternative. The farther Peter Parker sank into the abyss, the louder became the humming, the more ached everything he was while in the realm of the dead.

“I would have killed you for just those words alone, if you had not been dead already,” he hissed. “Of course, it would be a pity to deprive the cosmos of such a babe, but I would have got over that. Trust me. What I cannot get over is only this.”

He waved his hand, pointing at the whirlwind carrying souls away into darkness. It was harder to detect Peter now, and Deadpool’s gaze darted in panic, picking out light and flares in the darkening cycle.

“He shouldn’t have died. Anybody – for thousand times. But not him. Never.”

“We're sorry, Wade,” Lady Death whispered sincerely, hugging his shoulders.

“And what if I jump in there like Hercules, grab him and become the Golden Boy? What will you do then?”

“Nothing, sugar,” Lady Death replied just as quietly, glancing at Hela with despair in her eyes.

“Then what are we waiting for? It’s time for ‘Geronimo!’" Deadpool threw his hands open ready to jump, but a grim laugh behind his shoulder stopped him. Deadpool frowned and looked around.

“You cannot jump, Deadpool,” Hela said indifferently. “This is not your world. This world will never be yours. You will just bang your leaky head against the brink of the abyss. The river will not let you in.”

He felt sick. Now it was physically. He stepped into the void and his foot stopped at something transparent but tight enough to keep him on the surface. Deadpool fell to his knees and started to scratch the emptiness, hit it with his fists, and when he finally began to howl, unable to find Peter anymore, darkness and pain wrapped him up drowning his mind in the ultimate nothingness.

***

Hey, you, motherfucker! I don’t care who you are, what's your name and that your love life consists of despair and humility. I don’t give a fuck that you have a manic-depressive disorder. No, seriously. Who doesn’t have it these days? It’s a trend of the season. Really, I don’t even give a shit that we're alike as identical twins. Honestly. Fuck it. So, you, “author”, now take your pathetic procrastination and shove it up your ass so deep it gushes out of your windpipe.

Bring Spidey back.

Bring him back now.

Otherwise you know what will happen. You know damn well. Or do you really want me to say it out loud? Because I can. In the world of my babe Death I’ve just heard enough of such deadly gossip that suddenly I felt like gossiping a little bit myself.

You thought I wasn't crazy enough? Well, yeah, what an excellent idea: let's kill Spidey and see what will Deadpool do, how he wails, agonizes und fucks everything up. So, my dear arrogant scribbler-muffin, if you don’t bring Spidey back immediately, and I'm literal as fuck right now – **immediately** , then I will start to kill. Not like before, nothing funny and cute, not a single bloody origami in the form of wedding pigeons. Nah. To hell with that. I'll kill everyone. Those you know and love. Those you know and hate. Everyone you don’t know and don’t give a fuck about. And you'll have to read absolutely everything about all of them, because you and you alone will be describing in colors and with extreme accuracy how piece by piece I exterminate not only Marvel Universe. I will destroy them all. DC, Dark Horse, Image Comics, Mirage Studious and every other trash you are not interested in at all. And. You. Will. Never. Finish. Your. Fucking. Thesis! They will kick you out of graduate school, you’ll get fired in disgrace, you’ll be deprived of the inheritance and all civil rights. And then, when you’re expecting it the least, I will come and murder you. No, not with lead nor steel. I will kill your soul. Just as you are killing mine right now. In a blink I’ll finish off everyone you love more than life itself. Moreover – your cat. Yeah! Because despite him being thrice to thirty times a god and perhaps also even my own father, I’ll slay him too. And you'll be watching it, chewing your fingers up to your shoulders. And then you will finally stop writing… All! This! Fucking! Bullshit!

Is that clear?

“Clear.”

***

 

Deadpool woke up with unbearable but still predictable headache and scraped dried blood and skin scabs off his temple. The bullet formed a decent-sized hole in his mask on the outlet side.

He looked around, getting up from the floor. There was nobody in the room and for some reason this fact made him indescribably amazed and happy. He fell on the sofa and stretched his legs, twisting his head and crunching the vertebrae in his neck.

 “Hey, Rogue!” he called toward the kitchen. “So how about that three-way? This time I promise a little more of intimate contact, little less of mourning tears and all that jazz...”

 “Over my dead body!” Spider-Man exclaimed entering the living room and throwing a hot burrito bundle at Deadpool.

 “Nope, we’ve already experienced that shit. I did not like it. Never again. Thank you”.

Deadpool was smiling while looking at uncovered face glowing with life. The shine in Peter Parker’s eyes and a grateful blush on his cheeks have awakened the pterodactyls. They growled, began to toss and turn and spread their wings.

Never again. Never.

**Author's Note:**

> When Deadpool talks of my cat being a god he's making a reference to canonical arch with Loki being Deadpool's father, also my fanfic "Wild" (in Russian), and because my cat IS Loki. And not only by name.


End file.
